Hello My Beautiful Tribe! Today is the last in the Trauma Response series where we will discuss the FAWN response. I’ll continue to follow the same layout as the previous ones sharing what causes it, how to recognize it, and how to resolve it. Remember that this is a personal journey. If you are journaling, the things there are honest and frank and at times may be very difficult to express. This is all part of the journey. In order to heal, you must first express and expel. Also remember, that this is a process. You will not remove all your trauma in one go. Be kind to yourself and don’t fret over slow beginnings. Many trauma responses will take years to overcome – this is a guide to starting that journey only.
Trauma can be defined as any event in your past that made a profound negative impact on you. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, anger, death, and loss, are only a few. Trauma that occurred as a child may seem silly as an adult, but if it has not been resolved, it continues to affect the adult. Things you may “know” are minor or silly, but you may still feel the response if not resolved. And there may be things that you have locked away so tightly that you don’t remember the event, but still have the response. What I am trying to say is this. Nothing is silly. Nothing is minor. Nothing can be brushed off and not resolved. And nothing is easy. This takes work on your part. BUT – the results will change your life for the good. Let’s get started!
The FAWN response is one in which one will acquiesce to others in order to have peace. It is also known as a “peacemaker or people pleaser” response because it is easier to create peace than to face an angry person. They lack boundaries so that others are happy. They give into their demands, wants, and needs rather than serve their own. People with the FAWN response are drawn to narcissistic personalities over and over again reducing their voice even further. They feel that they must acquiesce in order to be loved and cared for. Situations that can create a FAWN response can include:
- When they have been verbally abused
- When they have been emotionally abused
- When they have been sexually abused
- When as a child the caregiver creates high fear in the child
- When a child is abandoned either physically or emotionally
Many adults with the FAWN response have a hard time saying “no” to any response. They will neglect themselves for others’ wants, desires, and needs. They have no ability to set boundaries. Many adults will forget the past trauma in order to remain subservient and positive in their relationships with the offender(s). Examples of the FAWN response include:
- Putting forth no opinions of their own
- Going with the crowd
- People pleaser to defuse situations
- Anxiety
- Self-blame for others actions
- Surround themselves with people
Managing the FAWN response. Understanding that you do have a voice is important. Being aware of your feelings. Validate your feelings with positive self-talk. Begin to set boundaries for those in your tribe and expand to those outside your tribe. Accept who you are and slowly take steps to voice your own opinions.
Resolving the FAWN response. The first step is to recognize the behavior when it is seen. Internally, you must accept that you are loved by the people around you and that you do have a voice. Take things slowly. Choose to disagree with something simple – dinner, a get-together, an outing. You must learn to trust in the love and respect of those around you. This takes time. Figuring out what caused the initial trauma allows you to begin to take steps to unpack the trauma from an adult perspective and move beyond it. Journaling will aid you not only in discovering the initial trauma but also your triggers. Facing each and working through the why will allow you to resolve and move beyond it. Meditation helps keep you in a positive mental attitude and lessens the chances of falling back into old habits.
Health Coach. Having someone to talk to about the past trauma may be what is needed. A Health coach is a sounding board. We work with people to help them uncover past trauma and help them move beyond it. We open new windows and doorways to let them choose new pathways.
Positive Self-Talk. With an FAWN response, one must change the way one speaks to oneself. For every people-pleasing response, find three positive self-building ones. They are there. Instead of, “I need to make them happy” positive self-building talk is “I have a voice” “I have a choice” “I want something different.”
Your Tribe. The people in the innermost circle love us just as we are – or should. If these people are harmful to one’s self, they need to be set outside that inner circle. These people can be loved, but not what each person needs. Be selective with the tribe. There must be trust to move out of the FAWN response and into healthy relationships.
Final Thoughts. Everyone has had trauma in their life. Everyone needs to figure out how to move past it. You may have more than one type of trauma response based on different triggers. Please remember to be kind to yourself – give yourself grace and forgiveness. Your journey is just that… a work in progress… and every day brings new possibilities and new paths. It takes you to make yours – one step at a time.
Blessings – E